Traditions and blessings...

Today was the traditional Daddy & Daughter dance for Trevor and Avery. We all look forward to this each year . It is something that is so special to Avery. She loves going with her Daddy. It takes place at the Pink Palace museum so they get to walk thru the enchanted forest as well which is decorated for Christmas. Such a fun date for both Avery and Trevor. They always stay the entire time! I love that we have traditions. They are even better when kids are old enough to remember them. Avery talks about the Daddy-daughter dance all year long. I know she will remember those special times with her Daddy for a long, long time.

We also put up one of our trees today. (Avery and I did at least...) I couldn't help it. I get in the Christmas spirit early and get excited! Another tradition we started is a Disney tree. When we lived in Orlando, we accumulated so many ornaments that we thought it might be fun to have a kid's tree. We call it the kid's tree because we also have Avery's homemade ornaments from preschool, etc. but it is primarily a Disney tree!! This year it has even more meaning as we now have two children and the tree isn't just Avery's anymore! She is more than happy to share it with Bennett.

As we were putting up the tree, I was thinking back to this time last year. We were putting up our trees and working on getting our home study completed. The goal last year was to finish it before Christmas but it ended up not being complete until the beginning of February, the week we found out I was pregnant. Funny how God works :) This time last year we had no clue where we would be a year from now. If you would have told me we would be putting up a tree this year with two kids, I would not have believed you. I might have thought we would have had foster children, but never more biological children. I still can't believe he is here. There are many times where I still can't believe I had him, no complications, and we have two kids. Still seems surreal from time to time.

Last year we started a new tradition of getting coffee, (hot chocolate for Avery) and driving around to look at Christmas lights. A blogging friend of mine did that and we borrowed their tradition. I love Christmas traditions.

If you have any special traditions, please share! I love hearing them and also love borrowing traditions, too! The holidays are my favorite time of year and this year is so incredibly special, we are truly blessed!!!!

I hope you all have a very Happy Thanksgiving this year. So many blessings for me to be thankful for this year!

Why we had her...

Wow, it has been forever. I have been a very bad blogger. Bennett is in that phase where he cat naps during the day so I get things done in 10 minute spurts. Blogging hasn't made it to the top of my list.


Things are really good. We had a great sleeping schedule then the time change happened so it isn't so great anymore. He goes to bed around 10pm, wakes up about 2:30, eats, goes back to sleep until about 6am. He eats and usually goes back to sleep. Before the time change, he was getting up at 3:30 and 7am which was perfect. I would feed him and have plenty of time to get Avery ready for school. Now it is enough time for me to just get back to sleep and then Avery wakes up. A little tired these days but wouldn't trade it!!

I talked to a good friend of mine last week. She didn't know that we had closed our home. She is actually my manager. I used to work under her when I worked full time. Then we had Avery, I quit working but we always stayed in touch. She is an incredible friend and mentor. She introduced me to Christ and changed me forever. She baptized me in her mother-in-law's pool. Not too many people can say their boss baptized them :) She even called me a few years ago and asked me if I would be interested in doing some part time work from home. It is a great set up, I get to work when I have time and I get to be in touch with her again. She always had a way of seeing things in a different light and she didn't fail again this time either.

I told her about baby A. We had to trade emails because she was on the road. She was so understanding and was helpful in getting me to understand that God knew we would close our home. It wasn't a surprise to Him. I had been so undecided about whether or not we made the right choice, but to her it was easy. I said I was having trouble being at peace with our decision. I felt horribly guilty and selfish for giving her up. She told me that we were a part of her life during a very important time. We set a foundation for her in a critical part of her life. We loved her, hugged her, kissed her and gave her the most loving home that we could. We established a home that was secure to her and we gave her love. She told me that is important because when she moves on and bonds with her new family, she has the ability to bond. She had someone who held her and loved her. She wasn't in a crib somewhere crying to be picked up, she was spoiled by a loving mommy and daddy for the short time she was in our lives. It didn't dawn on me that God was showing His face through my friend. It was one of those "Oh, I get it" moments.

I know that isn't the only reason she was in our lives but I do know that is part of the reason. It made me feel better that we didn't fail her or God. I felt so guilty that I let her down and that I let God down, but my friend assured me that we did a good thing. Even if it ended sooner than we thought. She is praying for me to be at peace with it and I honestly have felt her prayers. Sometimes we just need a friend to say something that makes a light bulb go off over our heads. It made sense and I felt so much better!!

We still miss her and talk about her a lot. Avery talks about her and we pray for her. I think it was a good experience for Avery and great practice for being a big sister! The first week we had Bennett, Avery was very affectionate towards him. She still is, but she was all over him one night. I told her that we needed to give him his space and that we had the rest of our lives to love on him, let's let him be for a bit. She looked at me and said "But what if he has to go to a foster home?" It broke my heart. Of course, I started crying. Those first few weeks of hormones are a little rough, I cried if someone looked at me funny. Now we laugh about it, but at the time it is miserable! I explained to her that Bennett was ours. He was not a foster child, that he was born in to our family. It was a teaching moment but still a little sad.

Avery is a great big sister and Bennett loves her. It is so cute to see him smile at her and recognize her voice & face. When I take her to school in the morning, he cries as soon as she gets out of the car. He cries the whole way home (only a 5 minute drive, but it seems like a long time when he is screaming) When I go pick her up, he cries while we wait in the car line. I have to keep giving him his pacifier and I even take him out sometimes to bounce him around while we wait. As soon as she gets in the car, he stops crying. It is the funniest thing, he truly knows when she is there and stops crying instantly. We moved her car seat next to his so they can be side by side. Something we never thought we would see. It still seems surreal that we have two kids. It has sunk in a little more than when he first got here, but still is so incredible to us!

His first Halloween was a blast. We had fun but we were very cold!! Avery went as a Colts cheerleader (no big surprise) and Bennett was a pirate. We are really looking forward to Thanksgiving with him and especially Christmas. What an incredibly blessed year we have had. Cannot wait to celebrate with him.

I have not been in blogging world lately but I promise to do better. I haven't read blogs in so long that I have no idea what my blogging friends are up to. I promise to do a better job!!

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Oh, and GO COLTS!!!!! Can't believe it is this late in the season and I haven't said anything about the Colts yet!!!

what's been happening with us

my buddy

the boys dressed alike (on accident but it was cute)

actually, a whole lot of nothing has been happening with us! it has been so long since i have posted, i have actually considered deleting the blog. not sure anyone reads it anyway since i have slacked so much. a lot has happened over the last few weeks. bennett is doing great. he eats and poops just about 24/7. what most babies do, i guess. just different than baby A because she was bottle-fed so she pooped one time a day. bennett can go through 4 diapers in one hour. he likes to do that around 3 am once i just got done changing him and re-swaddled. it is almost like there is a hidden camera waiting to just catch my reaction. at least that means everything is working :) he is so awesome and i am still in awe that God gave him to us. it still seems surreal that he is here. i sat in his nursery this morning and rocked him for about 45 min. just thanking God for him and for the blessings He has given us lately. i do not feel worthy (i am not worthy) but for some reason, He gave them to us anyway.

the worst part about the past few weeks, is that we closed our home to foster care for awhile. it was overwhelming and i have to admit i wimped out. They took babyA and put her in another foster home. i couldn't do it physically. with baby A's dr. appointments, health department appointments, court dates and visitations...it was just too much. i wasn't going to be able to take care of two babies with her schedule being what it was. it broke my heart in a huge way. i am so disappointed in myself that i didn't do it. i think she was with us for a reason and i gave up before i even began. so many people have tried to make me feel better by saying that we took care of her when she needed it, but she needs us now too. she had a stable, loving environment and we took that away from her because it was too hard on us. yep, feeling horrible guilty and selfish. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't wish we had her back. i am so sorry that she is gone. some days i want to just call her case worker and say "bring her back" and leave the rest up to God. i know it was what was best for our family. avery was stressed even though she doesn't know how to express it. trevor and i each had a baby in our arms for the first week. trading them back and forth, he had baby A most of the time, though, since i am nursing Bennett. i had forgotten how much they nurse in the beginning. i am tied down to the couch a good part of the time and i wasn't able to help with much. i look at some of her clothes that got left behind and it physically hurts my stomach. i keep praying for a sign that we did the right thing but all i feel is sad and i miss her. the other day out of the clear blue trevor came home from work and said he missed her. that made me feel even worse because i know he loved her too. i know we made a decision based on what was best and what we felt we could do, but it doesn't make it any easier. i just miss her. i wonder what she is doing. at night i wonder if she is in bed already. is she still on the same routine? is she comforted by her new mommy the way she was comforted by me?

well, that is my sad post of the day. i haven't really talked about it much with anyone because it is still pretty fresh and it isn't fun to talk about it. even though everyone means well and i really appreciate their kind words, nothing helps...you know? just waiting for time to pass so that ache can ease up a little bit.

on a brighter note, i feel incredibly blessed and so thankful that Bennett is here and we're all ok. the delivery was so easy that trevor asked me if we could have just one more :) of course that isn't in our hands and if my epidural is going to wear off again like it did with Bennett, then NO WAY!!! that was an hour of my life that I do not wish to repeat again. however, he is very worth it and i still cannot believe he is mine! i thought it would be weird to have a boy, but I don't see him as a boy, i just see him as Bennett. clothes, blankets, etc. doesn't matter if it is boy or girl stuff, he is just my baby. i don't know if that makes sense or not but it is strange how normal it seems to have a boy. trevor is so happy to have a son that i love watching him hold Bennett and talk to him. it is so cute. he is thrilled to have a boy. i love the bond i have with Bennett. mainly we have a bond right now because i am his source of food :) But, i know that we will have a special relationship too. he is my buddy :) trevor and i almost fight each other to hold him each night. it really changed our family, we are a bigger family now and that is strange to me. strange to say "the kids" instead of "Avery". we are already talking about his first trip to Disney and we cannot wait to take him. so many things to do.

Well, that is enough rambling for now. Bennett should be waking up soon and i need to be productive. if you would, please pray for peace in my heart. i have a bad feeling this is a decision i am going to regret the rest of my life and i really want to be at peace about it. my guilt is pretty strong right now.

i hope everyone is having a great week and enjoying the wonderful fall weather!! the high here today is barely 70. I love this time of year!!!

Bennett James Huddleston

6 lbs, 14 oz

Just wanted to post a quick picture of our new son!! I can't believe he is here. I went to the dr. yesterday morning and he told us we could have a baby if we wanted to yesterday, so we opted to meet him!! They induced me and it took less than half of the time it took for me to have Avery. It was a much better experience and so far I am feeling great! They are treating my bleeding disorder but I have had no issues with it so far. He came out in 4 pushes which was shocking to me, I pushed with Avery for over an hour. Kind of crazy how different labor can be the second time around.

We chose his name because Bennett means "little blessed one" and James is my favorite book in the bible. James was always comforting to read during many times of trial in my life. Especially the long road to having a baby.

Big sister Avery is at a friend's house and will meet him later on today. She was excited to hear about him, but was so wound up to be at her friend's house that she really didn't want to chat with us for very long. We were glad, though. I would rather her have a blast than to miss us. The baby (Baby A) since we have two now!! is being taken care of by friends of ours. They're coming to our house in shifts which is amazingly helpful to us. We're incredibly blessed with the friends we have.

He was 6 lbs 14 oz, 20 inches and was born at 7:35pm 9/10/09. Thank you all for our prayers, they are much appreciated!!

t-minus 6 days.....

we think. it looks like we get to meet the pickle next thursday!! i had a dr.'s appointment today and he wanted to know if i've made any progress. he said "WOW, the head is WAAY down there!" no kidding, i think I was aware of that already. Then he said i am dilated about 2-3 cm which is more than i thought i was. at first he was talking about inducing me at 39 weeks but after he checked me he said there is no way i will make it till my due date. so, he wanted me to make an appointment for next thursday, early morning. we will have a friend stay with the baby, i will drop avery off at school and then head to the dr. he said if i have made any progress at all, he will just send me next door to the hospital. trevor and i were both surprised because at this point, even though we know it is fast approaching, you still never feel prepared. so, he said to just plan on next week. it looks like we'll be meeting the pickle on thursday! my fear...among many other fears...is that it will be a long labor like Avery's was and he won't be born until after midnight. if that is the case, his birthday will be september 11th. that is just a sad reminder of the tragedy in 2001 that i don't want associated with hi birthday. however, if that is how it is, that is how it is. can't control it....maybe he will come on his own on wednesday and his birthday will be 9/9/09. that would be a fun and easy birthday!! i know the date doesn't matter and we have many other things to be praying about...i just can't help but think of 9/11 and hope it isn't after midnight.

so, lots and lots of things to do this weekend, thankfully it is a long weekend so we can pack a suitcase, charge batteries, etc. and get ready for him. next week i will go eat lunch with avery at school since it will be my only chance. we have friends coming over for dinner tomorrow night who are all helping out with the baby. we can make a plan on who will be on baby duty and when. so many people have offered to help, we're so incredibly blessed with wonderful friends. we couldn't do this without them, that is for sure!!!

that is the pickle update! looks like we will get to meet this little miracle sooner rather than later. everything else is going well. avery is adjusting to school, loves kindergarten now. she even announced last night that she and her friend Ty are boyfriend and girlfriend. we weren't quite prepared to deal with that yet, but i know it is harmless. just didn't know this began at 5 years old!!!

the baby is doing awesome. i wish so badly that i could post pictures of her. she got her shots this week as she turned 2 month. she weighs 9 lbs 9 oz which is huge compared to the 4.4 lbs she was when we met her. she is getting heavy and will most likely be bigger than the pickle when he is born which is not what we originally thought would happen. not much is happening with the mother and her case...we haven't had an update in awhile. she does have visitation with her next tuesday so maybe we will learn more then.

i hope you all have a wonderful labor day weekend!!!!!!! i will update if there are any changes!

The clock is tickin'....

I can't believe how fast time has gone. We're only a few weeks away from meeting our baby boy. It seems so strange to say our son. We're so used to Avery and this was always something we thought would never happen again. I think it will be surreal until we meet him and even then, I can't fathom how it is going to be! I have been having contractions and at times I have sworn he is going to just drop out of me. He could not be any lower. When I see friends I haven't seen in a few weeks they say "I didn't think he could get any lower!!" Umm, he can and he is! I have been pretty uncomfortable lately but luckily the baby has kept my mind off of it and I don't have a choice but to keep on keeping on!!

Prayers would be much appreciated in these last few weeks. I am really nervous about the delivery and I pray that the high risk doctor will be able to stop my bleeding before it becomes severe like it did with Avery. I know they have it all under control with medication, but I am still anxious. I want to just get it over with because I am scared. I am scared of the medication they are giving me. What if I have horrible side effects? I am a worrier when it comes to medication, I don't do medicine well at all. It is a fear of mine, I can't stand taking anything. I am worried about Avery while I am gone. I have only been away from her one night of her entire life and that was just a few months ago. We let her have a sleep over at her friend Allie's house and it was hard for me! If we can time it right, I told her she could spend the night at the hospital with me. She wants to cut the cord off the pickle but we have decided that is a little too graphic for a 5 year old. She will not be there for the birth, but she really wants to see the cord. She is fascinated by the fact that it is his lifeline and that is how he "eats".

I am worried about the baby. I thank God for the incredible friends he has blessed us with. We have had so many offers from friends to come to our house and watch the baby. We will be taking them up on it because we have no other choice! We don't have any family here so we have to depend on our friends. Who, actually are our family. Friends are so important to me because we don't have family close by. I am not sure what we would do without them.

I am worried about what will happen when we come home. Am I going to lose my mind?? Not sure how I am going to get two babies ready in the morning while recovering, getting a 5 year old ready for kindergarten and get out the door on time in order to get Avery to school. Trevor plans on taking time off and I know once he goes back to work, he will still help with getting Avery to school. Our neighbors will take her for us, too. Her good friend Taylor is also in Kindergarten and they live behind us. They have offered to take her for us.

I know it will all work out because God will work it out for us. However, the anticipation is really killing me!! I go back to the dr. next Friday so we will see what he says then. I will be 36 weeks and he said once they get me to full term, he will start "ramping up" my contractions. That was not pleasant to hear and I don't want to know what that entails. I told him if he could "ramp up" my pain medication, he can do whatever he wants. It makes my hands sweat just thinking about it...but what can I do!!?? The other night I told Trevor I have reached the point where I realize there is no turning back. The pickle is coming out one way or the other!!! I remember feeling this way with Avery. You worry so much in the beginning, then get caught up with everything in the middle. By the time you reach the end of the pregnancy, reality sets in that I am going to have to have him. No choice, whether I like it or not.....labor is in my future!!

The baby is doing well. She has been sleeping for at least 5 hours at night. We have somewhat of a schedule. I bathe her every night at around 7:30 pm. She doesn't always need it but I am working on it for consistency. We get her PJ's on and pass her back and forth to keep her awake :) Around 10:30 we give her one last bottle and then put her down. She is usually out and sleeps really well. She sleeps for about 5+ hours and then wakes up for a quick feeding. She sleeps for about 4 more hours. She is doing really well and we are so happy that she is in our lives. Kind of crazy how much has changed for us over the past few months.

Here is something I have been thinking about....what am I going to do with my blog after the Pickle gets here? Should I change the name? Pictures of all three? I can't post the baby's picture but I want to include her. She is a part of our family. I am thinking maybe I could just post a picture of Avery holding her where you can't see her face. Any thoughts on a new title? I am really trying to think of something creative, but it isn't working out so well for me!!!

I don't think I have posted our wonderful news....my inlaws are moving back from Poland!!! We found out when they were home for Avery's birthday. We are very excited and cannot wait. Of course, that means Trevor's mom won't be able to come home and help us with the baby. That one was hard because we had planned on her help.....but we will take a move over that. We'll get through it on our own! They will be moving to Orlando at the end of November. We cannot wait until they get back and are very grateful that God has called them back to the US!!!!

I will keep you posted after my dr.'s appointment next week. I can't wait to see how things are moving along. We will meet the pickle soon!! I am not sure how easy it will be to actually call him by his name instead of the pickle. He will always be the pickle to us :)

Hope you all are having a great week!!! Thank you for your prayers, they are much appreciated!!!

We survived the first day of Kindergarten....

Wednesday was the big day and we survived!! I didn't even cry when we dropped her off. I think I got most of it out the night before when I was packing her lunch. There was about an hour when I cried off and on every time I thought about it. But, the next day we got up and had lots of time alone while the baby slept. I made Avery a special breakfast and we hung out while she ate. She prayed for a safe day at school and to make lots of friends. (there were only 4 there that day) They stagger the kindergarten the first week. They take 4-5 kids per day to get them used to the teacher, classroom, tour the school, etc. She didn't even care when we left. She smiled and said "Bye!!!" Not a care in the world. They took them on a gingerbread man hunt where he disappeared somewhere in the school and they had to follow clues to find him. It is geared to show them all of the different rooms of the school, but the kids loved it. Eventually they found him in one of the 1st grade classes. They each got their own gingerbread man, got to decorate it and eat it. She came home bouncing off the walls. I called Trevor and asked him to bring home some Ritalin. :) Kidding, of course. Anyway, she loved it and cannot wait to go back Monday. I was ok with it this week because it was only one day but next week will be a whole new ball game. I don't know what to do without her all day! The good thing is that she loved it so I don't worry about her while she is gone. I do worry about my sanity when I pick her up and she is like a rubber ball bouncing off the walls!!! Have you ever seen Alvin & the Chipmunks the movie? When they are on tour, someone gives them coffee and they bounce off the walls uncontrollably (is that a word?) Anyway, that is what she reminded me of...

Here are some of the pictures from that day..

sleeping the night before kindergarten

breakfast, Kindergarten pancakes!!

excited about her "K" pancakes

ready to leave for school

walking into the building. she looked so little!

ready to walk into school for the first time

Kindergarten hallway

Ms. Wooley's class, the Lions and the Lambs

mommy, daddy and Avery

this is Avery not caring that Mommy and Daddy were leaving :)